Unravelling with a Smile

I do not know if I will ever be able to walk around without my brain second guessing, questioning and actively trying not to drop a ball. This is my anxiety in action and the questions you see listed are questions I have thought of in the last 24 hours.

• What is it like to go through a day without your to do list screaming in your ear that you are focusing on the wrong thing?

• What is it like to trust that the structure that you have in place is enough to make sure you do not drop a ball AKA fail at life?

• What is it like to just know that the choices you are making are right? Or be OK that they may not be right?

• What is it like to enjoy a person’s company without being aware of their every move, every mood and every word out of their mouth?

• What is it like to not see all the dangers of your decisions as you walk around and operate in life?

• What is it like to not feel like, compared to everyone else, you are doing it wrong, missed a memo, missed the class that we talked about the whole test?

• What is it like to be comfortable in your own head in those moments that you are not actively trying to direct your brain to those places that are calming and soothing?

• What is it like to be proud of yourself and let that feeling percolate for longer than a fleeting second outside of the universal understood moments like graduation, marriage, and a baby?

• What does it look like be OK that the knowledge in your head is the most accurate thing that you know in this moment, as opposed to constant questioning if butter is good or bad? Science is right or wrong? Etc.

• What is it like to accept that you are both excited and invigorated by the cold weather and love when it becomes spring? And feel like you did all you could to maximize all parts of the year to the fullest extent?

• What is it like to accept other people’s failures are their very own?

• What is it like to fall in love and feel safe, fall in love and not see all the potential for hurt along the way?

• What is like to coast sometimes? When there is a particularly calm moment in life, what is it like to just enjoy the ride?

• What is it like for your dog to act out and not immediately critique all the wrong things you are doing as a dog parent? To not immediately evaluate your schedule for more training or exercise time?

• What is it like to trust that the doctor you are seeing that is helping is not take advantage of you financially?

• What is it like to not think that everyone is judging you and just wish that you could change your behavior if you just knew what it was you were doing wrong?

• What is it like to be content with the “we will get there when we get there” as opposed to constantly doing time math?

• What is it like to drive without imagining a collision and the inevitable process to buy a car that is not the beloved Subaru you saved for but the only car you can afford?

• What is it like to set a large goal and not think through all the reasons you might miss the mark?

• What is it like to have money but never enough compared to others? To have savings but never as much as you thought you would even though it feels like you have been saving your whole life?

• What is it like to get exactly what you want and just be happy for it?

What does it look like, feel like, sound like, taste like, to just fucking live?

---

PS. I, in no way, suggest to any anxious person this activity of writing all of this out. It is neither cathartic or efficient in processing emotions behind the spiral. As a side effect, it made me see the vastness and meanness of the anxiety I have been experiencing these past few weeks.

---