Unravelling with a Smile

I showed up 15 minutes early wearing dance tights, polka dot rain boots, and curled hair. I ordered a mocha latte and sat in a booth. It was so exciting to see how cool I was, to see all the rings and tattoos I had, to hear about the lives I had changed, and to get a sneak peak of the viral media I had created.

I walked in…still rocking American Eagle jeans. I asked for anything decaf on the menu, and peppermint tea it was. I joined this girl vibrating with energy, passion, and an invincibility that felt contagious. But what I could also see was the hand on the side of her stomach (I never went anywhere without a stomachache!) and this need for adult approval.

• How many countries have you seen? Just a few, but you have found yourself in driving across the country and sleeping in your car (not because you are homeless!). There were some scary times in lightning storms in Texas and snowstorms in Boone, NC. There were some life changing times in seeing the stars in Moab and unicorns in Kansas. And there were times visiting friends from DC all the way to Seattle! But you learn to trust yourself and trust your own schedule instead of operating on anyone else’s. No more showing up feeling like you are late.   
• Do I get the job with TWLOHA? You do not. Remember all those times you spent teaching dolls, creating lesson plans and pouring over workbooks? Well, you career more closely lines up to that than behind the camera!
• Do I get the marriage in the mountains or at White Sands? That is TBD! You fall in and out of love a few more times with a few more people. You get hurt, you come back, you get hurt even more. But that perfect love story just feels out of reach. I do hope I get married in the mountains though!
• Who are your best friends? I am still friends with Laura! But our friendship looks a lot different. We continue to have ups and downs but we also continue to find ways to be there for each other! Also, Mary! She is my first phone call I make for almost everything! And lastly, its takes a long time, but I finally found a community that rivals the choir community! Thank you for giving me an example of what amazing friendship looks like to strive for.

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I walk out of the back of the house with my sweet tea and rice Krispie treat in hand. I am two hours away from ending my shift of my second job today. Then I have to go run the meeting for the sorority, hold personnel meetings, and finally get to homework. This is the only 15 minute break I will have and I will not be filling it with the usual cry in my car. I am going to ask her! I want to know when will this end? When does it get easier? When will I find people that feel like home? But also want to know if I am making the right decisions now.

I sit down at McAllister’s with a giant cup of water and a Southwest Griller. I am joined by a girl that looks drained! There is no more pain in her body language, and I know she is just numb. She is fueled by sugar, caffeine and whatever food is at the sorority house/people give her. She is motivated by the approval of others and being a giant success… tomorrow.

• Is leaving ABQ, joining a sorority, getting a business degree, is all this worth it? YES! It might take years to see it but YES! You are in the midst of learning that you can do hard things! You can stare hurt and tired and struggle in the face and overcome it all! Even if it does take years to do so. I promise with time you will learn that you are worthy of a break and of help. You will eventually not have to live paycheck to paycheck, and you will be surrounded by people who will do everything they can to be there for you.
• Do the blackouts go away? You learn your limits. But they do not go away. You have to be careful that you are going into a night out in the right headspace. But you learn to understand the girl that comes out in those blackout moments. You learn to listen to her, hold her and let her scream or cry or punch things. You squeeze her just as hard as you can to show her there is love even when she is at her worst. She comes out a lot less now!
• Do men always suck? Short story- Yes! Longer story – with every experience, you learn how to protect yourself a little more from shitty men. You will experience the gambit. Stalkery, know it alls, just want your body, friends with benefits, cheaters, drinkers, drug users. With every experience you learn…to adventure on your own, afford your life and drinks on your own, feel safe on your own, and ya know… on your own. Ultimately, you have broke up with everyone because the way they treat you is not what you envision for your relationship. You are not wrong and sometimes they were not wrong either. But I have not yet found right. Although I am trying something new now. Fingers crossed!
• Do you move mountains? No not yet. But to be quite frank, moving mountains feels farther away the older I get. Maybe farther away from expecting myself to be able to move mountains and that is a really good thing. Or maybe I just haven’t been woken up. For when I do…. I will move mountains.
• Last thing… Do you have a Golden Retriever? He is a foster fail named Max (and no not after that Max)! He loves to hike and you do too! Cuddles just the right amount and can be just as difficult as you! The perfect match. But he is not a retriever. He is the weirdest pitty mix! Wanna see a picture?!