Unravelling with a Smile

I am sitting here just wishing you would tell me about the things that make your brain start spinning. The hopes and dreams you are striving for.  And hoping that I can find a place for me in those parts of you. And hoping that you want to hear about and find yourself in those parts of me. 

I am sitting here yearning for a night that I am your whole world. Really truly the only thing you see! But I will settle for a long phone call where you are calling just to hear my voice. 

I am sitting here considering the possibility that future us will laugh about these moments of insecurity. But also obsessing over the possibility that this is as far as we go. That the values and similarities cannot see us through the obstacle courses we have set to trip up anyone that might get too close. 

I am sitting here throwing an arsenal at your walls in the shape of check-in questions, 5-hour long breaks between texts, passive and aggressive comments, longing stares. All just trying to get a peak at what is inside. It cannot be as empty as the external walls are leading me to believe. 

I am sitting here wondering if it was me that splashed out your flame. I once saw its brilliance, and you cannot convince me it is just not there. Was it my clumsy attempt at sharing my feelings? Was it that I did not match up with the person you wanted me to be? Is it just the passing of time and change of seasons?

I am sitting here convincing myself that I should not feel these things. That I am being impatient, overbearing, obsessive, overly attached, holding on to high expectations, misunderstanding. That the critic that attacks me, should hang back as it is not fair to show that version of me to anyone. 

I hate sitting here! I am going to bed. 

Relatable?

Hey you that is stuck on the couch! You are not the only one that feels like they are too much to handle. That frozen feeling hurts like hell. While this piece of writing was a dramatic moment in time, it is not a rarity that I have felt no action I can take is going to have the outcome I am looking for. Either I volcano out or I burn my insides holding it all in. Sitting on the couch seems better than choosing between those two things! I see you!